Crucial Conversations, Tools we’re talking when stakes are high, will help you prepare and be at your best for those conversations that matter most. Conversations that can impact the quality of your life. The authors define a crucial conversation as a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high; (2) opinions vary; and (3) emotions run strong. To begin with, a crucial conversation starts with dialogue. The authors say that dialogue is the free flow of meaning between two people. And those that are skilled at dialogue get all the relevant information from themselves and others out into the open. When the information, thoughts and feelings, from two or more parties is combined, it creates what they call a pool of shared meaning, creating synergy. At the heart of a person who is skilled at dialogue, is someone who embodies the principle of work on me first. They start with heart, beginning risky conversations with the right mode is knowing what they want, focused, sticking to their goals and not making either or choices. They always return to dialogue like a meditator, returning to the breath by continually checking in with themselves with these questions. What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? Then? How would I behave if I really wanted these results? People gifted at dialogue, keep a constant vigil on safety. Two symptoms that someone does not feel safe are silence and violence. Silence can be defined as purposefully withholding information from the pool of meaning, masking, avoiding, and withdrawing our silence related behaviors. Violence can be defined as any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control or compel others to your point of view, it violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool, controlling, labeling, and attacking our violence-related behaviors. The key is not to get caught up in the content of a conversation. And instead, when you notice these signs, make it safe again by re-establishing mutual purpose and mutual respect. When mutual purpose is at risk, you can end up in debate with symptoms such as defensiveness or accusations. If the other person knows we really care about their interests, this helps get you back to purpose. Mutual respect is needed to ensure dialogue continues. When people feel disrespected, they become highly charged and angry. A tool for returning to mutual respect is using a contrasting statements such as, I don’t want to offend you, but I do want unimproved relationship with you to ensure what we say didn’t hurt more than it should. As you move through the book, the authors say that people come to conversations with what the authors call a path to action. This path has four parts. See/hear, tell story, feel, and act. After we observe what others do, before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. In our own heads, we can carry around stories that are based on faulty interpretations. If our interpretation is not rooted in reality, it is easy to retreat into silence or violence. If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. To change the stories you tell yourself, even in the middle of a heated conversation, retrace your path. Going backward. Here is how. Act: Notice behavior. Am I in a form of silence or violence? Feel: Get in touch. What emotions are encouraging this action? Tell story. Analyze: What story is creating this emotion? And see/hear: Get facts. What specific evidence do I have to support this story? The best way to find out the true story is not to act out the worst story you can generate. There is a formula in the book called state. As in state your path that will help you get down to the root of what is really going on. We go through it now. Share your facts. If you want to persuade others, don’t start with your stories. Start with the facts. Take the time to think through about what your facts actually are. Tell your story. It’s the facts plus the conclusion of your story that call for a face-to-face discussion. Do your homework so you can share your conclusions with confidence. Ask for others paths. Encourage others to share their facts, stories, and feelings. Then listen to what they have to say. Talk attentively. Use language that says you are sharing an opinion, not a nervous wreck. Tell your story as a story rather than disguising it as a fact. Soften it to add meaning to the pool, not force it on people. Encouraged testing. Invite others to talk in a way that lets them know you are okay with what they have to say even if it’s controversial. Invite people with both words and tone that say, I really want to hear from you. This has been our review of the book, Crucial Conversations. The power of effective communication during crucial interactions cannot be overlooked. Mastering this skill can make a big difference in so many areas of work and life. Thanks for watching and leave us a comment below to let us know what you think.